Everything...

So here it is 46 almost 47, oof. I haven't done half of what I wanted to do and yet I still have another good 30 years to do it right? At least that's what I tell myself every time I say "next year" or "next time". Well, the way I see it, next year or next time is too far away. I cannot keep just waiting for the right time. I better damn well do things now or they may never get done. I have put things on hold or to the side for too damn long. Time will not wait for me to figure it out nor will it hold on as long as I may have, so I better do it now before time runs out.

I think I may have waited 46 years to figure it out, that is just about half a century and just about under half a life. I will no longer do things by other people's standards or someone else's conditions and much less by their design. After all, they don't have to sleep with me at night.

Almost three decades later after my dad passed, still the first thought when I wake up is how I can make someone else's life better...whether it's a 'him', my son, my parents, my friends, everyone else. Might be nice to wake up and think about myself once. Not sure I am capable of doing that but I damn sure will try. Not to say, I would be selfish, but heaven knows it would be nice to make a decision that just included me.

Waking up every day and realizing that every single one of your choices was based on someone else is not terrible, don't get me wrong. But there has to be a moment when I think enough of myself to live for myself. Just not sure when that morning will happen. And to be honest, a little scared of it because I'm not sure I know how to live that way.

Love can be so hard, meaning you can love someone so hard that it hurts you to think of not being with them. But it can also be hard to be with them because you know you can't give them what they deserve, what they need, what you could give them were it not for your own past that holds you constrained. A love so strong that the thought of them makes your heart flutter even after being with them for years and the sight of them make you quiver. Love can be where you always put them first and even when you hold them, everything wrong feels right even for the moment. I used to always say that you know you are in love when you hug them and everything that was bad all of a sudden went away because the one thing you had that was good in your life was all around you, so nothing could go wrong, everything would be great from there on out. But at the end of the day when life gets rough true colors come out and sadly love sometimes is not enough. Forever only lasts when both are in it and in it 100%.

This means being unselfish, this means compromise, this means understanding, this means coming home and taking care of the other even though you are beaten down and tired, this means being compassionate even though you may not be able to empathize with what they are going through but you feel sympathy and help them through it physically or emotionally, when you can still be there for them and make them feel taken care of...not make them feel better, just taken care of. Just so that they know they can rely on you as a partner, as a best friend, as a safe haven, to be taken care of even if it is just for that moment. If not, love just isn't enough. It's not taking the bad away, it's not making it all better right away...it just means that you show them they can count on you and somehow make it better together eventually, it's a partnership, it's being there for each other.

Love is a weird thing, to say the least. I don't give it freely, but when I do, it is at a thousand percent. No matter what I get in return. It has always been how I do it, I don't know another way. And even when I know better, I still do it my way. Hell, it ain't easy, I'm not even normal but damn, when I love, I love hard and for real. That's got to be worth something. I do it at a thousand percent, cause lord knows I don't do anything half-assed, bad or good. My dad taught me that...either do something 100% or don't do it at all.

I won't even get sad about it, because I've had such a great life and as much as I can love, thank God my heart is lined with steel. When I was younger, I used to joke that I was the husband-trainer. Now that I'm older I guess maybe I'm the post-divorce pick-me-up-girl. Either way, I suppose I was designed to show someone deep love to help them see what they deserved, not necessarily with me, but in general. Or maybe to help them learn to feel it without fear, in essence how to love for real, even if it is not with me. And I guess that has to be good enough with me. At least then they'll know for their next time. Oof...sounds like a country song! But it is the truth.

My heart has gone through the ringer and back again, and somehow it just keeps going there. Must be strong, I say. Because I know I am not stupid, too giving maybe, but not dumb. Oddly enough, no man ever sees that until it's over and once they are done with me, then I get the 'thank you, miss you' text. And then I swipe to delete and move on because I realize that this was my purpose with them and it is inconsequential to my present or future.

One day, I will get that same love in the same way, a thousand percent, and maybe it will be given back. Maybe it won't, and I am okay with that, it will not change the way I am with people. Until then, I'll still love and care in the same way because that is me and it will never not be me. And even if that 'one day' never comes I will never change who or how I am. I will always give everything I have, even when it doesn't seem to be enough to someone because after all...everything I can give is all I have. And that is me. There's nothing more I can give besides everything.