For you...From me...

There's a distinct moment in life where you accept your destiny, a fate you didn't ask for, a future you never really wanted but one to which you were chained to from day one, and a life you'd resigned yourself to years prior, despite the moments of hoping for something better. But sometimes it's not what you expected. I always dreamed of someone loving me enough to want to call me their wife. At my age, I guess, that's a far hope. But I've gotten used to the idea that it won't happen. But I do know that maybe my heart will help others love deeper and hopefully "their one" at some point, after me. That has to be my purpose!

I remember being very young, maybe ten or twelve and watching my parents laughing in the kitchen. It was quite possibly a memory to which I added a soundtrack of some 90s love song because it was so scripted. Our cocker spaniels scrambling between their steps, dinner on the stove, one of them (or both) yelling at me to make sure my homework was done. I sat on the steps watching, not realizing that this would be this distinct image of marital bliss that would forever stand out to me as the ideal. The laughter, the closeness, the bickering (a little) about something un-memorable at this point. But true love.

I've spent more than almost 16,000 days on this earth and I thought I knew it all. I've given it all, lost it all and given it all again. And, yes, done it all again. I guess it does get easier each time (just like my mom said it would). Somehow, each break is easier than the last. Maybe the scars provide a bit of armor. This one feels deeper not sure why. My words are stunted this time, this time it feels different. This is new to me- he stole my breath, I didn't know he'd steal my words. The cursor blinks at me like a gnawing knock on my head. And I can't dig deep enough to find the words to write. He has me speechless.

Frozen, my hands are frozen. My thoughts are racing but my fingers find it hard to move. They are absolutely immovable ....maybe I don't want to type the words I know I have to say, it doesn't hurt the way I thought it would, maybe it's worse, maybe it's easier because it feels a little numb, like it's normal, expected almost. To be honest, I always said it was too good to be true. Have you ever wanted anyone so much it hurts, so much they make you feel alive? Is that too much to ask?

You walked right into my shadow, what did you expect? I remember the first hug, that first kiss, I wish it would always feel like that. When it felt like forever. Looking at you looking at me like the way you looked at me, I wish it could always feel like that. That look from you that made me feel safe, safe to love you. And then I fell. I let my guard down. That was a mistake..

But it's fine, I'm good at picking up the pieces. I'm fine tuned at this part. I'm a perfectionist at a graceful exit. And I'm a master of not letting anyone too close to make it last too long or hurt too profoundly. But please don't come any closer, for shame on me, fool me twice... I took you for yout word. Ashes fall to ashes, so please don't come any closer.

I was wild and free and then I kissed you, and all of a sudden I became tamed and hooked. I'd do it all over despite the end. Knowing you was like finding my ground that I never knew I needed to set my feet on. I feel like my whole life I held my breath til I met you. You might as well be every line to every one of my favorite songs, because I want to hit rewind everytime I see you. I suppose none of that matters at this point , but I thought it should be known. And YOU should know that's how I feel about you.

I am just that....a past-time, a good time, the one that doesn't say no, a husband-trainer as my friends like to call me. And I say that without remorse or regret .And it was worth every mile. I have had four decades of life and I must say the last 2 or 3 years with you has been full of adventure and even better, truth. Truth...true love, true smiles, true joy, true happiness. You reminded me of the Angela that my father loved, the one that would go on a trip on a whim, the one that was patient, the one that was kind. The one that loves without ever expecting anything in return. That is enough for me. You are amazing and I'm grateful for the time I even got to spend with you. You reminded me of who I was and how much I could love someone, for that, I am forever grateful. You deserve all the best in the world, including true love that never ends.