PRACTICE...UGH...

Practice what you preach huh? This seemingly quite obvious phrase has struck me square in the face on more than one occasion in the last few months. I'm a die hard romantic who aways pushes for the sweet, meaningful and heartwarming ending to any fabled love story and someone who has vowed to dive in with my eyes closed and heart wide open. But mid-dive it seems time stops just long enough for those feelings of loss, inadequacy and trepidation to knock loudly on that door I thought I'd securely fastened with about a million hopes and dreams never to be opened again. And here comes doubt with a swat team sized battering ram saying 'hello, you dumb, naive (to be read...you stupid bitch) lady. we are stilll here. it ain't going to work you big fat dummy!'. And this is when I want to reverse that plunge as if I could rewind the tape and you'd see me leaping backwards out of the great abyss I'd once willingly thrown myself into legs moving in reverse in reckless abandon. There is no logical or practical reasoning for this thought process or is there? You're dealt a hand of cards and all one but one ace is showing...what are the real chances the next card in the flop will be an ace? I could sit here and actually go through the mathematical equations that can predict the exact probability but then again that would expose one of my many secrets of being a complete dork who thinks of these types of equations in nearly every situation and we all know that's not going to improve my sexy or desirable quotient so I'll spare you the boring, dry and mind numbing explanation. But the gist of it all is that your chances to hit that jackpot are not looking very good. And yet, this is that narrow, bright burst of sunshine sneaking its way through an almost closed door that I've always described as the lure that pulls us in, that thin line of light, that barely recognizable glimpse of wonderful possibility that keeps us trying again, and again, and again. Until we find it right? But what if we don't find it and we just keep on opening those doors, prying them open one by one and we are greeted by the same unwelcome yet expected visitor...disillusionment. And yet I am the one who preaches and encourages us all to just keep trying with no regrets or remorse, with no cares towards our past failures or fears. But I am also the one who writhes in self doubt at every turn and can't seem to complete that cannonball plunge. So I'd be a contradiction in terms or worse, a coward, to not practice what I preach.

But in reality there are two ways of thinking about this. On the one hand, if the last three times were brutal and left you war-torn then the fourth should turn out in your favor. But couldn't it also be analyzed using the other hand, the mean, negative and masochistic one that screams at me warning that if the last three killed me it would follow that the common denominator must be me and then that would lead to the inference that the fourth will also tear me down because, well, it's me and me is not worthy of a happy ending? It's this treacherous rabbit hole I tend to leap in to more easily nowadays. That cruel, guilt ridden, self deprecating rabbit hole that sucks me in faster than I can claw my way to the surface for air.

It's incredible how one person and twelve years can decimate your self view and then incredulously rebuild it into one that is self loathing and brittle beyond repair. It's even more intimidating, appalling even, that the one view of your persona you had forced down your throat for so long has become your own. It became you, and you didn't even realize it until someone said one thing that triggered you and then you just bawled and had no explanation. It's like a bomb going off inside you, you don't even know it's happening and all of a sudden someone new says something that reminds you of your past, of those mean, cold, cruel words and you start to tear up and flat faced you break down. It is at this exact point you understand the word 'narcissist', 'emotional abuse'. You never wanted to say those words out loud much less associate them with you.

You have to try to explain why you reacted the way you did, why your reality shifted to your past, why you cringed and became cold, why all of a sudden you became this fawn staring down the gun. You realize you are exactly what they spoke about. It is at this exact moment that you have the opportunity to overcome those 12 years that you thought didn't really affect you. It's right now that you could prove that you are NOT who they thought you were. It's a matter of your mindset, you can't take their opinion of you as your self worth, get over it, don't let it bother you, you're a great person you'll see...these and about a million other arrows fly by me on a daily basis and never seem to hit their target (my reasoning). And no I do not only believe them but I trust them but not as much as I have faith in that strike of that word that used to pierce me without warning but left such sizzled scars, ones so deep and cavernous that I cannot escape them.

I am a million feelings intertwined into one tangled braid of confusing passive aggressiveness that seethes with self doubt and regret. So here's me, how are you? Are you still here? because I am...